Why the Most Comfortable People Are Often a Little Selfish

"Being soft-hearted and shy will only kill yourself. Rational indifference and coldness are survival tools."

At first, this may sound somewhat cold-hearted, but upon deeper reflection, it actually makes a lot of sense. People tend to prioritize others' feelings over their own in many situations. This could be due to a tendency to please others, accommodate their needs, or avoid conflict. But by doing so, they end up neglecting their own emotional health and well-being.

The Issue of Prioritizing Others Over Yourself:

The common human tendency to put others first, which, although often seen as a virtue, can be self-destructive if taken too far. For example, the passage illustrates how some people will go out of their way to help others, even at the cost of their own comfort or desires. One example is the story of a self-proclaimed "easy-to-please" person, someone who constantly accommodates friends and coworkers even when they’re exhausted, only to find that their own needs are unmet. This behavior can lead to emotional exhaustion and even health problems, as seen in the case of a woman who, after years of pushing her own needs aside, developed a health issue linked to emotional suppression.

Learning to Say "No" and Set Boundaries:

It is okay—sometimes necessary—to put yourself first. It tells the story of a woman named Jane, a social media influencer who used to be overly accommodating to others. She would work through exhaustion, help friends even when she was too tired, and sacrifice her own rest to meet others’ demands. However, after a health scare and receiving advice from her doctor, Xiao Xiao began to make changes. She started saying "no" to things she didn’t want to do, even when it was uncomfortable. Surprisingly, she found that by not overextending herself, her life became lighter, and her health improved.

This story highlights the importance of setting boundaries in order to preserve one’s mental and physical well-being. Saying "no" can be difficult, especially when people fear disappointing others, but it can ultimately lead to a healthier, more balanced life.

The Dangers of People-Pleasing:

A key insight comes from a popular online discussion about why people feel increasingly tired and unhappy. The most upvoted response points out that the main reason people feel this way is because they spend too much energy trying to meet others’ expectations while neglecting their own. This often results in a lack of fulfillment and a sense of emotional depletion.

The passage asserts that we frequently misprioritize in social interactions: we give too much importance to how others feel and ignore our own emotional needs. This imbalance can lead to feelings of resentment and burnout. In fact, people’s emotions, while important, should never outweigh our own. The suggestion is to practice a healthy level of "selfishness"—to prioritize your own emotional needs, even when it means disappointing others.

Selfishness as a Tool for Healthy Relationships:

 “Selfishness” can be a form of self-preservation. It doesn’t mean disregarding others entirely, but rather ensuring that your own needs are met first. You can still be kind, helpful, and generous, but you must never allow others to take more from you than you are willing to give. The key is to maintain your own emotional health and not overextend yourself for people who might not appreciate your sacrifices. In doing so, you ensure that your relationships remain healthy and mutually supportive.

The Importance of Knowing When to Step Back:

The passage includes an example from a TV show, where a character, B, tries to "rescue" her friend W by offering career advice, even though W is perfectly content with her current job as a taxi driver. Despite her friend’s resistance, B continues to push her own idea of what is best for W. This behavior reflects the “savior complex,” where one person tries to impose their beliefs or solutions on another, even when it’s not wanted. This kind of behavior can be damaging and lead to conflict, as seen in the show when the two characters fall out after a heated argument.

The advice here is to respect others' choices and not impose your own standards onto them, even if you believe you are helping. Not everyone wants or needs your advice or assistance, and sometimes, your actions can feel intrusive or overbearing.

The Energy Exchange in Relationships:

Relationships are an exchange of energy. People bring different levels of energy to interactions, and for relationships to thrive, both parties need to contribute positively. If a relationship consistently drains you, it may be time to reevaluate it. For instance, there is a story of a woman who distanced herself from a negative, pessimistic friend in order to preserve her own mental health and well-being. By cutting ties with this draining relationship, she found space for more positive, supportive friendships that helped her grow.

Conclusion:

The overall message is clear: prioritize your own well-being, set boundaries, and don't be afraid to be a little selfish when it comes to your emotional health. This doesn’t mean being unkind, but it does mean understanding that your needs are just as important as anyone else's. Taking care of yourself first is the key to leading a balanced, fulfilling life. Life is short, and there’s no need to sacrifice your own peace for the sake of others who may not appreciate your efforts. By practicing self-care and setting boundaries, you can build more meaningful, mutually beneficial relationships.

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The Hidden Trap of Over-Responsibility: Why It Drains You

In today's fast-paced world, it’s common to encounter individuals who overburden themselves with responsibilities at work and in life. They are the ones who:

• When their family members tell them it’s late and they should rest, they respond with, “I can’t rest yet, I need to double-check the report for tomorrow’s meeting. It has to be perfect, I can't afford to make any mistakes.”
• When their colleagues invite them for lunch, they reply, “You go ahead, I need to prepare some documents for the boss’s meeting this afternoon. It has to be perfect.”

These people are often valued highly in their professional environments. Everyone likes to work with responsible colleagues. They are loyal, dependable, and hardworking. However, there's a downside to this excessive sense of responsibility: it can easily lead to self-criticism, burnout, and emotional exhaustion.

Excessive Responsibility in the Workplace

While responsibility is a highly regarded trait, too much of it can have negative consequences. The key to thriving in a workplace is not simply taking on every task or burden that comes your way, but knowing when to delegate and when to set boundaries. The most successful professionals understand how to strike a balance. They manage their responsibilities in such a way that they are still efficient without exhausting themselves or losing their personal lives.

There’s a saying that perfectly sums up this concept: "Everything has limits. Once it exceeds those limits, punishment follows." This is not only a life philosophy but also a universal rule in nature. The moment we take on too much, especially in the workplace, we risk becoming overwhelmed and stressed out, which can have long-term consequences on our mental and physical health.

The Dangers of Over-Responsibility

When someone overburdens themselves with work, it often reflects a lack of clear boundaries. In the workplace, this can manifest in several ways: taking on more tasks than necessary, helping colleagues to the detriment of your own work, or continually going above and beyond with the belief that the only way to be valued is through constant over-performance. Over time, this person becomes the one carrying the weight of the office, often without even realizing how heavy the load is.

In the Japanese drama Weakest Beast, the character Shinkai Akira is a model employee who is so dependable that her boss assigns her more work than anyone else. She becomes the go-to person for everyone: organizing travel for her boss, handling administrative tasks, and even stepping in to solve problems when colleagues make mistakes. However, this overextension doesn’t lead to career advancement. Instead, it makes her seem increasingly indispensable, but her efforts are expected, not rewarded.

Her situation gets worse when she is tasked with taking on even more work that others are too unwilling or too busy to complete. Despite her hard work, her colleagues and boss start to take her for granted. At one point, she even has to publicly apologize on behalf of a colleague. In the end, she’s left exhausted and emotionally broken, leading to a nervous breakdown.

Why Over-Responsibility Leads to Burnout

Excessive responsibility creates a work environment where a person is constantly running on empty. They feel a need to overcompensate for any potential failure and take on more than they can handle. This feeling of obligation starts to consume them. They manage their emotions, meet deadlines, and perform well, but all at the expense of their mental and physical health. Over time, this behavior leads to burnout, where the person no longer has the energy to handle even their own responsibilities, let alone the additional burdens placed on them by others.

A question often asked is, "What happens to employees who are overly responsible?" One memorable answer to this question is: "They either explode in silence or perish in silence." This suggests that when someone constantly overextends themselves to fix other people's problems, they eventually run out of time and energy to care for themselves. Everyone has a finite amount of mental and physical capacity, and exceeding that limit leads to exhaustion, burnout, and resentment.

The Importance of Setting Boundaries

While it's natural to want to help others, it's essential to learn how to prioritize self-care and personal boundaries. We can offer help to our colleagues and support others, but we must do so with the understanding that our own well-being must come first. If we continue to take on responsibilities that don’t belong to us, we risk losing ourselves in the process.

Over-responsibility is often rooted in fear of failure. Many people fear that if they don’t take on everything themselves, they will fail or disappoint others. However, constantly worrying about failure can create anxiety and tension that makes everything more difficult. Ironically, this can lead to poorer outcomes in the long run. Learning to delegate and trust others with responsibilities is crucial for both personal well-being and workplace efficiency.

Real-Life Examples of Over-Responsibility and Its Consequences

One story shared by a therapist highlights the experience of a client who was given an important task at work. This client was extremely anxious, fearing they would fail or disappoint their boss. As a result, they went above and beyond, trying to take on more of the task than they could handle. Another colleague, with less experience, accepted the task without hesitation. Throughout the project, this colleague sought guidance when needed and learned along the way. Eventually, the colleague completed the task to a higher standard, while the client’s excessive responsibility led to missed opportunities. The over-responsible person ended up sidelined, while the colleague who took a more balanced approach succeeded.

This example highlights the fact that over-responsibility can be a trap. People often believe that being overly responsible will earn them praise and career advancement, but the opposite is often true. Over-time, the excess burden becomes stifling, and the individual may fail to grow or take on new challenges.

Healthy Responsibility vs. Over-Responsibility

True responsibility is about being accountable for your actions and managing your tasks effectively. However, there is a difference between healthy responsibility and over-responsibility. Healthy responsibility is about understanding that you can’t do everything alone. It’s about setting clear boundaries and knowing when to say "no" when things get too overwhelming.

Over-responsibility, on the other hand, stems from a fear of failure and the belief that you must carry the weight of others’ tasks and problems. It can lead to emotional burnout, resentment, and the feeling of being taken for granted.

Three Key Strategies to Manage Responsibility

1. Look Inward and Focus on Your Own Needs: Responsibility begins with understanding your own emotional and physical needs. If you feel overwhelmed by tasks, don't hesitate to speak up. Don’t let frustration or resentment build up by silently accepting everything. Also, before taking on a new task, ask yourself if you're genuinely willing to take it on without expecting perfection.
2. Separate Responsibilities: Follow the concept of "task separation," which comes from Adlerian psychology. This idea suggests that while we can offer advice, we cannot control others’ actions or carry their burdens. Helping others is fine, but taking on their entire workload can lead to burnout. Recognize when you’re crossing the line and focus on your own tasks instead.
3. Adopt a Growth Mindset: Instead of fixating on the outcomes of every task, focus on what you can learn and how you can grow through the process. Embrace challenges with a mindset of growth, allowing yourself to make mistakes and learn from them. This mindset reduces the pressure to be perfect and allows you to handle tasks more effectively.

Conclusion: Balancing Responsibility

In the workplace and in life, it's important to remember that responsibility is about balance. While it’s good to be dependable, over-responsibility can be harmful. By learning to set boundaries, managing our emotional energy, and recognizing when to say "no," we can avoid the dangers of burnout and maintain a healthy, fulfilling work-life balance. True responsibility involves knowing when to help others and when to focus on yourself. Life is short, and our personal well-being should always be a top priority.

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In middle age, exercise heals all unhappiness

Middle age often brings a complex mix of physical, emotional, and psychological challenges, but also offers hope through the transformative power of exercise. It stresses that many people at this stage in life experience mounting pressures, which can lead to burnout, frustration, or even a midlife crisis. However, through personal stories and scientific studies, it argues that exercise can serve as a remedy that heals both the mind and body.

Challenges in Middle Age

As people enter middle age, they often find themselves dealing with an increased burden of life responsibilities. These include work pressures, the demands of raising children, and taking care of aging parents, among others. The mundane yet overwhelming aspects of life that seem to dominate this stage. This phrase alludes to the daily routine of survival and the exhaustion that comes with the responsibilities of adulthood. These pressures often pile up and, if not managed properly, can lead to emotional and physical exhaustion.

At the same time, individuals often find that their bodies are changing. The energy and vitality that came naturally in earlier years may feel like they're slipping away. The physical toll of stress, combined with the decline of certain bodily functions, can leave people feeling depleted, frail, and emotionally drained. Mentally, middle-aged individuals may feel trapped by routine, unable to find excitement or satisfaction in their day-to-day lives.

This sense of being overwhelmed is often accompanied by the real threat of a "midlife crisis," where individuals question the meaning of their lives and whether they’ve achieved the goals they set for themselves. This crisis is exacerbated by a fear of aging and a perceived loss of youthfulness, leading to a sense of dissatisfaction or despair.

Exercise as a Lifeline

In response to these challenges, many people in middle age turn to exercise as a means of coping. The passage emphasizes that exercise offers more than just physical benefits; it can be a powerful antidote to depression, stress, and the malaise of everyday life.

The first story shared is that of J, who battled severe depression caused by a combination of work and life pressures. He experienced insomnia and emotional exhaustion, which contributed to a sense of hopelessness. After undergoing treatment, including medication and therapy, he saw some improvements in his sleep, but his emotional state remained bleak. The turning point came when he decided to commit to a fitness routine.

By exercising 1-2 hours every night at the gym, he managed to lose weight, regain his energy, and improve his mood significantly within just three months. This transformation helped him reclaim his life and sense of purpose, and he even began enjoying learning and personal growth again. Through exercise, he found a way to break free from the grip of depression.

This experience illustrates the importance of physical activity in boosting mental health. Exercise has a profound effect on alleviating depression. Even modest levels of exercise—such as one hour per week—can bring immediate benefits to mental well-being. Exercise stimulates the production of "feel-good" neurotransmitters, including dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. These chemicals not only reduce physical pain but also enhance mood, creating a natural sense of happiness.

Exercise as a Source of Hope and Strength

The passage also tells the inspiring story of Selena, a woman diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer at the age of 35. After undergoing treatment, she became physically weak, and doctors informed her that she might not even be able to walk in the future. Feeling terrified at the thought of not seeing her children grow up, she was emotionally devastated. During this dark period, running became her escape and salvation. It allowed her to process her emotions, cry, and heal mentally and physically.

Running became a space for her to regain strength, and it helped her find hope during the most challenging moments of her life. It reminded her that life is precious, and she made a conscious decision to embrace it fully. Her dedication to running helped her overcome the trauma of cancer and its treatment, and by the age of 46, she had completed 50 marathons. Running gave her the drive to push through personal challenges and allowed her to rediscover life's potential.

Selena’s story highlights how exercise can serve as a form of self-empowerment. When faced with life’s most difficult trials, exercise can provide not just physical healing but also emotional and spiritual renewal. For her, running was more than a form of fitness; it was a reminder that life was worth fighting for, no matter the circumstances.

Exercise as a Path to Self-Discovery and Resilience

The passage also emphasizes that exercise offers an opportunity for individuals to reconnect with themselves. It is described as an act of self-redemption—an experience that goes beyond mere physical benefits. Through exercise, people can rediscover their purpose, find inner peace, and heal from both physical and emotional trauma. Exercise becomes a way to "reset" the body and mind, shifting them into a more positive, empowered state.

In the case of Y, a businesswoman whose company was hit hard by the COVID-19 pandemic, exercise became a way to regain clarity and reduce anxiety. Initially overwhelmed by the uncertainty of her company’s future, she began to exercise for 30 minutes daily. This helped her center herself, reduce her stress, and regain the composure needed to lead her company through the crisis. It is an example of how regular physical activity can not only improve one’s mood but also provide the mental clarity needed to overcome challenges and approach life’s problems with calm and confidence.

Practical Advice for Middle-Aged Individuals

While the benefits of exercise are clear, the passage also offers practical advice for those who wish to incorporate more physical activity into their lives, especially for middle-aged individuals. Since physical capabilities tend to decline with age, it’s important to choose exercise routines that suit one’s physical condition and health needs.

The passage suggests starting with simple exercises like walking, gradually increasing the intensity as one's fitness level improves. Aim for at least 20 minutes of exercise daily, with three sessions per week being a good starting point. It’s also recommended to find an exercise buddy or join a group for support, as accountability can help individuals stay motivated and committed to their routine.

However, it’s important not to overdo it. Middle-aged individuals should avoid excessive exercise or pushing their limits too much, as this can lead to injury. Moderation and proper rest are key to maintaining a sustainable and healthy routine.

Conclusion: The Power of Movement

In conclusion, the article encourages middle-aged individuals to embrace exercise not only as a physical practice but as a tool for emotional and mental well-being. Middle age can be a challenging time, but it can also be a period of growth and transformation. The act of exercising serves as a reminder that, while life may bring hardships, we can still find strength and joy within ourselves.

By engaging in regular physical activity, middle-aged individuals can confront life's challenges with renewed energy, optimism, and resilience. Exercise becomes more than just a way to stay fit—it becomes a crucial practice that fosters a more positive, fulfilling life.

The final message is clear: Middle-aged people should embrace exercise as a pathway to a healthier, happier, and more hopeful second half of life. Through movement, they can release stress, heal emotionally, and create a life that is full of potential and vitality.

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