The Friends We Lose in Middle Age

Why do people gradually have fewer friends or even lose friends as they reach middle age? There is a well-accepted explanation: in middle age, people find themselves busy, and the desire to meet friends becomes hard to fulfil. When was the last time you had a good chat with a friend? In social circles, there are moments of friends liking and greeting each other. However, most of the time, everyone seems silent. There's a saying: "No one will accompany you forever; some come and go for a certain period in your life." This quote is very apt. During middle age, people often feel that their circle of friends is diminishing.

Friends are merely companions on the journey.

There's a statement: "For middle-aged people, survival is a necessity, while friends become a luxury." It might sound harsh, but it holds some truth. Every middle-aged person is struggling for survival and striving for their family. Friends are just there for a while and then scatter. A friend shared this story:

One day, he was looking through old photos and unexpectedly found a picture of an old friend, which brought back memories of moments they had spent together. Suddenly feeling nostalgic, he picked up his phone and sent a message to his friend: "Old friend, how have you been? It's been so long." He waited for a while before getting a reply, surprisingly receiving several messages from his friend.

Initially, it was just a greeting, but then the friend began sharing his life's pressures: an ill father, huge mortgage stress, and so on. This string of messages revealed the stress and financial difficulties his friend was experiencing.

He assumed that his friend had reached out to ask for money, so he first shared his own predicament with the friend.

Upon seeing the friend's response, he hastily explained, "I was just going through old photos and missed you, so I thought I'd say hi." It was only then that he sensed the friend's understanding, receiving a reply: "It's been a while; let's catch up sometime." He understood it was a polite response.

Hence, he politely agreed but never reached out to the friend again. He learned that their once strong friendship had become fragile amidst life's trivialities. Choosing to let go and not cause any further disturbance, silently wishing each other well, was the best form of respect they could offer each other.

As children, we often believe that friends will be friends forever. It's only as we grow up that we realize there's no such thing as eternity between people. Accompanying each other for a part of the journey is warmth enough. As middle age sets in, life's burdens become heavier. We must slog for our children's education and the family's livelihood. The cost of maintaining contact with friends also disminishes, leading to fading connections. Each person has their family to attend to and silent life pressures. Along the way, parting company is an inevitable, albeit helpless, reality.

Lack of Friends in Middle Age

Perhaps everyone has this realization at some point in their life: when young, there were numerous friends, always someone to share life's ups and downs. During happy times, there were companions to share joy, and in difficult times, there was always someone willing to share the burden. However, as time passes, the number of friends decreases, and those you can confide in become few and far between. It's not until middle age that one deeply understands that even deep friendships can diverge due to individual paths; even the most sincere relationships might drift apart due to life's different trajectories.

I have two close friends with whom I once shared everything, supporting each other through thick and thin. However, our communication became rare after entering the workforce.

Once, I made a considerable effort to have dinner with them both. However, we found it hard to connect with each other's topics. They only discussed the minutiae of their children's lives, how to buy cost-effective yet reliable milk powder, and what solid foods their children should eat. I wanted to share my professional challenges, but they seemed to think that was a thing of the past.

In the end, the only common topic we had was our shared past from decades ago, making the dinner incredibly boring.

At that moment, I realized that my closest friends and I had gradually drifted apart. Interpersonal relationships are akin to seasons; they stay close only when faced with similar situations, mutual aspirations, and interests. Once removed from shared points of reference, maintaining a deep connection becomes difficult. Even so, we conceal our feelings and keep moving forward. In life's journey, we continually meet and unavoidably part ways. We need not consciously maintain certain relationships, nor do we need everyone to remain in our lives.

As middle age approaches, friends become fewer. Yet, those who remain by your side are the genuine friends. Rather than concerning oneself with the quantity of friends, it's more important to spend time nurturing those true friendships. Life inevitably brings farewells; wishing former companions well who once walked a part of your journey is sufficient. In the remaining years, we should invest in our inner selves, be with our families, and constantly work on self-improvement. When you invest more energy in personal growth, you naturally attract like-minded individuals. May the coming years find us content, unperturbed by life's gains and losses, while enriching our inner selves to pursue our dreams and become our ideal selves.

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The Power of Mindset in Shaping Destiny

Adler’s theory is that "A person's life isn't entirely determined by fate and past traumas but lies in one's own mindset." Life can be compared to a mirror, reflecting the various ways of thinking in each individual. A good way of thinking is akin to having wings, enabling one to soar higher, while a negative mindset is like a quagmire, leading one deeper into despair. Those burdened by negative thinking often fail to realize this and simply complain about their bad luck. If you possess the following three types of thinking, you should be particularly cautious: they restrict your vision, growth, and depth, acting as stumbling blocks on the path of life and must be avoided.

Tunnel Vision

There's a psychological theory known as the "tunnel vision effect," which describes a situation where an individual is confined within a narrow tunnel and can only see an extremely limited view. It's like being in a valley where your observations are quite narrow. To get a broader view, you have to be at the peak of a mountain.

Tunnel vision thinking limits the breadth of one's thoughts, restricting the potential for success. This kind of thinking makes success difficult even with maximum effort.

For instance, consider a story about a woman in her forties who works as a delivery person. She grew up in a financially tight situation and went to work straight after completing high school. Despite years of societal struggle, she always harboured the dream of going to college. However, she was unable to pursue her studies due to financial pressures and family responsibilities.

To achieve her career goals, she devised a rule: eight hours for survival, eight hours for development. Every day, she worked hard for eight hours delivering food, using the remaining time to learn new skills, such as creating short videos, reading, and playing the guitar. One of her videos gained numerous likes, unexpectedly generating extra income. The food delivery platform noticed her dream of attending college and offered her a chance to study for free.

However, if she only focused on immediate profits by delivering a few more orders every day, she might have earned more money. But compared to the opportunity for free college and limitless future prospects, those additional earnings were inconsequential.

"Life doesn't become narrow due to lack of intelligence but from insufficient experience and overly narrow vision." Limited thinking prevents individuals from seeing the long-term impacts and changes in things, causing them to miss opportunities and drift with the tide.

Only by breaking free from narrow thinking patterns, broadening horizons, and embracing unknown challenges can one enrich the breadth of their life.

Flea

Scientists conducted an experiment where fleas were placed in a glass jar. Initially, there was no lid, and the fleas could jump freely and quite high. However, when a lid was placed on top, the fleas kept jumping within the jar but couldn't escape. Even after the lid was removed, the fleas didn't jump as high as before, hardly exceeding the height of the previous lid.

This experiment metaphorically mirrors human circumstances. Many failures stem from self-imposed limitations, hindering the attainment of higher achievements. Those controlled by "flea thinking" are often confined by narrow-mindedness and start doubting and negating themselves when faced with difficulties. Fear of failure exacerbates further failure.

The story of a female security guard is inspirational. Jane, in her fifties, worked as a security guard at an elementary school. A modelling teacher awakened her long-lost dream of becoming a model. Despite Jane's hesitation due to her age, she started learning modelling from scratch. Internal doubts lingered: "Can I really do this?" Encouragement from her daughter gave her the courage to begin her modelling journey. After work, she diligently practiced her posture for several years.

During this time, she won many awards and gradually became more confident. Her success story illustrates that without trying and taking risks, one cannot discover their potential or embark on the path to success.

"The whole of life is an adventure. Those who go the farthest are often those willing to take risks." Kick away those stumbling blocks, don't limit yourself. When you feel "I can't do it," tell yourself "try again," you might discover a different height in life.

"Ignorance is the obstacle to success, and its severity is beyond what we can imagine." Being complacent, not seeking advancement, and being subject to manipulation are all indications of ignorance. These limit vision, stifle talent, and constrain limitless future possibilities. The stage size depends on the breadth of one's mind. To break through life's obstacles, one must shatter the shackles of limited thinking.

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Reserving Your Goodness for the Worthy

"Emotions are not a one-sided performance but a sincere devotion from both parties." The most desolate thing in the world is when I cook for you, you feast; I make the bed, you sleep peacefully; I offer my kindness, you enjoy it all. However, you consistently turn a blind eye to my efforts even causing me harm. Instead of waiting for an endless story with no conclusion, enduring an unreciprocated emotion, it's wiser to turn away timely. In the future, reserve precious feelings for the right person.

Wrong Paths Need Turning, Wrong People Need Letting Go

Hunters on the grasslands set traps to capture animals. They observed a peculiar phenomenon: they caught various animals frequently but seldom managed to trap wolves. It was revealed that when a wolf was caught in a trap, it would gnaw its leg off along with the bone and sinew, escaping with three bleeding legs. In economics, there's the concept of "sunk costs," referring to costs invested and impossible to recover, such as time, money, and emotions. Faced with these "sunk costs," some spend days regretting without the courage to let go, sinking deeper into a chasm, making the situation irretrievable. Others, like a gecko, shed the tail, abandon the loss, and start anew.

Mistakes are sometimes inevitable in relationships. It's most challenging when one walks a path, loves for half a lifetime, only to realize that everything was wrong. Only those who have experienced the entanglement and pain that are desperate to end it can genuinely understand. Instead of clinging to future expectations, it's better to bravely let go, thus severing ties. This way, one can escape the whirlpool and prevent greater losses. Be it in economics or emotions, a timely stop-loss, seemingly painful, is actually a form of wisdom. "Turn back from the wrong path in love, let go of the wrong person promptly." Only then can one preserve their dignity or perhaps luckily encounter the right person.

Meeting the Right Person Exchanges True Feelings

In this materialistic world, many emotions are driven by self-interest. If, unfortunately, you find yourself in such a situation, retract your genuine emotions and learn to turn away. In life, some roads are only appreciated after traveling them; some individuals' worth is only realized after interacting with them; some emotions' value is only discovered after investing in them. These people and emotions, whether right or wrong, are all part of our lives. Only by accepting and forgetting can we continue to move forward. If you meet a good person, wholeheartedly give your all. If you haven't yet, hold onto your sincerity and love yourself well. Sometimes, turning away might bring rebirth.

Sometimes need to turn back to allow reborn

Giving without losing dignity, even with much effort, rarely earns others' respect and praise. It's only through giving with boundaries, offering with dignity, and being kind yet firm that one can gain others' respect and cherish. There is no standard for those who love you; they allow you to be yourself in the most relaxed state. Those who don't love you constantly demand and calculate, seeking to satisfy their desires. Rather than let others continually deplete you, it's better to turn away. Sometimes, turning away might signify a new beginning. Therefore, your genuine affection should be treasured, only for the right person. Life only bestows deserved happiness when one gives to those who are worthy. Perhaps the most valuable thing in life is true affection, and the most precious is genuine feelings. Since genuine emotions are rare and precious, they shouldn't be wasted. Life is limited; don't waste a lifetime's effort on unworthy people. If accompanied by a virtuous individual, one will shine brightly; if alone, one must learn to illuminate oneself. In the days to come, always save your sincerity for the right person.

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