Golden Years Prep: Three Essentials for Happiness

Recently, I came across a popular video on a certain platform. An 88-year-old ex teacher was interviewed on the roadside: "What are your thoughts on old age?" The elderly person firmly responded, "No surgery, no intubation, no resuscitation. Especially, no admission to the intensive care unit." When asked for the reason, the elderly person said, "At my age, death is inevitable. Resuscitation would not only make me suffer but also waste national resources. These resources are better used to save young people." While the elderly person's open-mindedness is admirable, can their children agree?

"I always tell them, instead of forcibly holding onto your parents' physical bodies, think about the influence your parents had on you. Keeping these good memories is enough." This insightful dialogue garnered millions of likes from netizens.

 "A good death is better than a life of painful lingering" is a deeply rooted concept among countless people. "Longevity" has always been assumed to be the best blessing for the elderly. However, is a long life equivalent to a happy life?

More and more elderly people are beginning to offer "unconventional" answers. I once read a story about a senior who suffered a sudden stroke and was rushed to the hospital. After doctors made every effort to save his life, they managed to bring him back from the brink. However, for the rest of his life, he needed round-the-clock care from medical staff to continue living. In other words, he became a "living dead" person.

Yet, his daughter insisted on not giving up her father's life. As a result, the elderly man spent four years in the ICU before multiple organ failure led to his demise. While the daughter's filial piety is commendable, doctors have a different view: "Although we extended his life, we did not improve his quality of life." "Family members can visit for only one hour a day. What his daughter sees is that he seems happy during that one hour. So, she thinks he's happy every day. But what we see is the patient suffering for the remaining 23 hours."

The daughter of the elderly man was once asked, "Have you ever thought that perhaps your father would prefer to pass away more peacefully?" She replied, "I dare not think about it, nor do I want to. At least for now, I can afford to give him the best treatment, which makes me feel better." Of course, as children, it's very difficult for us to actively give up our parents' lives! As long as we can still save them, we want to keep our parents with us for another day.

But if we look at it from a different perspective, if the elderly person can express their wishes, would they praise their children's filial piety, or would they criticize their children for making them suffer? The elderly person may not bear to make such a choice, but I believe everyone has their own answer in their hearts. Regardless of whether we are willing to admit it, longevity is premised on "health." Otherwise, it's "living in suffering."

In this regard, elderly people often see more clearly than young people. "Many elderly people have been eating medication for a long time, ruining their bodies." Therefore, more and more elderly people are adopting the retirement philosophy of "treating minor illnesses, accepting major illnesses, and not pursuing excessive medical treatment." "The sooner you go, the better. Don't burden your children and end up with nothing."

"Living longer" is becoming easier, but "living well" is becoming more difficult.

Despite advances in medical conditions and improvements in living standards, why are so many elderly people less inclined to "live" now? It's because while society has progressed, elderly care has become more challenging. Foremost among them is the fact that "raising children is no longer a guarantee against old age."

It's not that children don't want to be filial, but they are truly powerless. I once saw a video online. A senior was bedridden for 16 years, and it was his daughter in her fifties who took care of him. Every day, she had to lift him in and out of bed, clean up his waste, bathe him, feed him, give him medicine, and take him for walks... Every day, for 16 years.

This is indeed a perfect example of "raising children to prevent old age."

But what about the other side of the story?

The senior had a pension that could cover most of his living expenses; the daughter retired early, giving up her personal life entirely to care for her father; the son-in-law took on most of the work of earning money and raising children; the daughter's family had no financial pressure from mortgages or car loans; there were other relatives in the family who could occasionally share the responsibility of caregiving.

Behind this "perfect" filial piety are the aggregation of numerous conditions and countless sacrifices. It's difficult to replicate in every family. We always remember "raising children to prevent old age" as a tradition, but forget that "it was a product of a specific era." In the past, medical conditions were poor, and parents generally did not live long.

There were fewer elderly people suffering from dementia or hemiplegia, and caring for them was not as difficult as it is now. Plus, at that time, every family's finances were similar, there were more children, and many women didn't work. "There was not much financial pressure"  making it less difficult to support elderly parents.

But what about now?

For couples with children, life becomes unsustainable if one doesn't go out to earn money. Although the elderly are living longer, they are also plagued by various illnesses, requiring long-term care. Parents, children, work, mortgages, car loans—all these are mountains pressing down on middle-aged people.

This forces children to make sacrifices. Although everyone makes different choices, under the harsh reality, there are always parents who "can't rely on" their children. So, if not relying on children, what about relying on society? Currently, our society's elderly care mainly consists of "home-based care" or "nursing homes."

Elderly people who can take care of themselves mostly choose to stay at home, which is free and saves money. As for the elderly people who are sent to nursing homes, they generally have various illnesses, and they lose some of their ability to care for themselves.

"Not making mistakes" is the caregivers' top priority. "Making the elderly happy" can only be an added bonus. Therefore, the "hardship" in nursing homes does not come from the news about elderly abuse but rather because: under limited manpower conditions, only basic care and some emotional support can be provided to the elderly.

Ensuring that the elderly "stay alive" rather than "live well." As you can see, although medical advances unilaterally extend the lives of the elderly, how they can live well remains a "dilemma." After retirement, some elderly people learn swimming, painting, calligraphy, or singing. Even if their children are not around, their lives are fulfilling and happy.

Happy people are always similar. Many elderly people who have a good late life understand one thing: "Elderly care depends on oneself." Life can never be perfect at any age.

We can always find a lifestyle that suits us better among them. Prepare three savings:

I once saw a sentence online that inspired me: "Elderly care is actually choosing a way to grow old gracefully. There is no limit to the method, and there is no standard answer.

But the most important thing is: always remember to put yourself first."

To spend your old age more comfortably, I suggest everyone include "retirement planning" in their life plan. Starting from now, prepare the following "three savings":

1.Financial savings

The reason why money is important is that it gives the elderly "choices": they can buy what they want to eat, go wherever they want; if their children are not filial, they can hire caregivers to live alone without worrying about their children's faces; and in case of illness, having money in their pockets will ease their minds. When it comes to elderly care, money is definitely more reliable than children.

Many elderly people have been frugal all their lives, just to subsidize their children.

But really don't do this.

You can occasionally help your children in emergencies, but never make it an entitlement. Leave the money to yourself, and let your children take responsibility for their own lives. Taking care of ourselves with money is the greatest help we can give our children.

2.Psychological value savings

Many elderly people have a smooth material life in their old age, but they always feel bitter inside because they base their happiness on "their children's companionship." Why not change your perspective? Treat your old age as your "second life."

Make your own "bucket list," try things you like, and learn to make yourself happy. We've worked hard all our lives, and it's only in our old age that we finally have the "money and leisure." We must make the most of it.

3.Health savings

Undoubtedly, "health" is the most important condition for elderly care. But it's placed last because it's also the most uncontrollable and powerless part for the elderly. No one can stop the aging and deterioration of the body.

So, while your body is still healthy, eat clean food, exercise regularly, and take care of your physical and mental health. Once illness strikes, learn to accept the decline of life naturally. "Treat minor illnesses, accept major illnesses, and avoid excessive medical treatment," allowing life to end gracefully and gently.

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Hard to Handle, Hard to Ignore: The Respect Dilemma

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Hard to Handle, Hard to Ignore: The Respect Dilemma

Have you ever had such an experience: wanting to be kind to others, speaking softly, but always being bossed around and not treated equally in return? Wanting to avoid conflict, diligently doing your own job, but constantly being suppressed and excluded? In life, not all kindness is met with kindness in return. Sometimes, the more you sacrifice yourself to accommodate others, the more you're seen as an easy target, and you're gradually pushed into a corner.

If you've experienced such situations, then I suggest you start today by being a kind but "difficult to deal with" woman. Living with edges and corners, there are times when you must stand firm.

By doing so, you're more likely to gain respect and move towards happiness.

Stick to your bottom line

There was a neighbor before, whose mother-in-law had a fierce and domineering personality. From the renovation of her son and daughter-in-law's marital home to the couple's financial situation, she had to intervene in everything.

At first, she made her son hand over his salary after getting married, claiming that young people spend money recklessly, so she would manage it for him. Then she demanded that her daughter-in-law cut ties with her own family after receiving the betrothal gifts, insisting that everything should be controlled by her family. For other people, even if they felt that the mother-in-law's demands were unreasonable, they could only passively tolerate and retreat, afraid to cause too much conflict openly.

But this daughter-in-law refused to give in. She argued based on reason, stating that she could contribute to household expenses every month, but with the pressure of mortgage and car payments, she couldn't give up her salary. As for cutting ties with her own parents, it involved her principles and bottom line, which she couldn't agree to under any circumstances.

 If the mother-in-law continued to insist, she would publicize these matters and let everyone judge. Seeing the daughter-in-law's strong attitude, the mother-in-law had no choice but to retract her demands. Later, the same situation occurred several times, and the mother-in-law no longer dared to exclude her daughter-in-law, but treated her with the respect she deserved.

In a woman's life, she inevitably faces different roles and challenges. But whether it's establishing herself in her in-laws' home or managing her marriage and life, those women who truly thrive have their own principles and bottom line, remaining neither humble nor pushy. Besides sticking to her beliefs, it's more important to convey her attitude to everyone, telling them: "I'm not easy to bully, and crossing my bottom line will come with consequences." Women like this naturally exude confidence and toughness from within, making them unassailable whether facing their in-laws or anyone else.

Dare to reject anyone who doesn't seek to please

If you carefully observe people in the workplace, you'll find that those who work tirelessly for the lowest salary in the company are always the most agreeable ones. For example, in a previous company, there were two interns with similar educational backgrounds, both diligent and responsible.

The difference was that one, let’s call her A, was timid. Every time she was asked to do something by her colleagues, she hesitated to refuse, fearing that it would affect her relationships with them. As a result, she ended up with more and more tasks, becoming busier and more chaotic, and some colleagues even resented her for helping others but not them.

In contrast, the other intern, let's call her B, remained calm and composed. Similarly asked by colleagues to take on extra tasks, she helped where she could, but firmly refused when it exceeded her capabilities, investing more time and energy into her own work.

So what do you think happened? Initially, some colleagues also had some resentment towards B, feeling that she was too arrogant. But because B had fewer miscellaneous tasks, higher efficiency, and achieved more outstanding results, the leadership appreciated her more. Seeing this, everyone began to approach her, and she became even more popular in the company.

There's an unspoken rule in human interaction: people bully the weak and fear the strong. No one will actively seek confrontation; it's easier to manipulate those who are compliant. So don't let yourself be the compliant one anymore. At any time, in any situation, respect your own needs first. 

Clearly refuse to do things you don't want to do or can't do. Don't be afraid of offending people, and don't care too much about others' opinions; being disliked is a normal part of life. But first and foremost, respect yourself, and you may earn the respect of others.

Have your own opinions

Some time ago, I received a message from a college roommate I hadn't seen in a long time: "I've been having a tough time these past few years." Upon inquiry, I learned that she was being ignored by her company, with leaders and colleagues disregarding her feelings.

During Public holiday, she was scheduled to work overtime, and she was also assigned difficult clients to handle regularly. I asked her, "Have you ever expressed your thoughts to the company?" She replied that when the leaders arranged overtime work for the National Day and asked everyone for their preferences, she was afraid of upsetting the leaders by directly refusing, so she chose to give an ambiguous reply: "I'm fine with anything, whatever you decide."

After hearing her response, I immediately understood where the problem lay. In my memory, she had always been a person without her own opinions since college. When classmates gathered for meals and asked what dishes she wanted, she would say anything was fine; when tasks were assigned for class activities, and opinions were solicited, she would say anything was okay, indifferent. Over time, people gradually stopped asking for her opinions, and she became increasingly ignored, silent and obedient, following others' lead.

To be honest, each of us is more or less like her, clearly involved in matters concerning ourselves but afraid to make decisions. Afraid of making the wrong choice, afraid of making mistakes, always hoping that others will make decisions for us. 

As a result, over time, we gradually lose our own values, lose our personality, and become easily influenced by others' opinions. Those women who are difficult to deal with are the opposite. They never blindly follow others but clearly know what they want. No external disturbances can shake their inner decisions.

However, having opinions doesn't mean being aggressive or confrontational. Instead, it means having your own thoughts and judgment, respecting others' opinions but not easily being swayed by external influences. If you can do this, others won't dare to underestimate you easily. In human interactions, honesty and kindness are not enough; being too honest and too kind may even provoke the evil in human nature.

Instead, it's those who are difficult to deal with that others dare not easily offend, inadvertently avoiding many troubles for themselves. So, ladies, from now on, please deliberately cultivate the quality of being "difficult to deal with." In your interactions with others, you can be a little tough, have a bit of a temper, and appropriately show your sharpness.

Learn to defend your boundaries and maintain your viewpoints, so that you can protect yourself when necessary and live a relaxed and comfortable life.

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Secrets of Emotional Intelligence: 4 Relationship Don'ts

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Secrets of Emotional Intelligence: 4 Relationship Don'ts

You've probably heard the saying that all efforts in life result in either being laughed at or being effective. The ultimate outcome depends on how you manage things. Over the past few years, there have been increasing stories about interpersonal relationships. Some relationships, when managed well, become lifelong friendships; others, when mishandled, become the subject of ridicule.

When it comes to interacting with others, what principles should we adhere to? What boundaries should we maintain? Here are a few key points that we mustn't overlook:

1. Ignore Unnotified Events:

Be smart about it. Regardless of what's happening in someone else's family, if they haven't informed you, just pretend you don't know. And afterward, don't inquire about it either. Why?

A friend once shared a story. When he was young, he used to mingle in circles whether or not he was invited. He'd eagerly join friends for dinners or family gatherings, whether formally invited or not. One time, he happened to run into some friends who were quietly planning a barbecue. They didn't intend to make a big deal out of it, but he tagged along anyway. "I still remember the looks on their faces when they saw me. The table fell silent. They looked at me in surprise, and I innocently looked back at them." 

That meal was excruciatingly uncomfortable for him. He sensed that the people around him had something they wanted to say. But upon seeing him, they chose polite smiles instead.

That experience made him realize: in interpersonal relationships, if someone doesn't inform you about an event, it means either you're not close enough or you shouldn't be attending that gathering. If you attend out of mere curiosity, you'll end up not only embarrassing yourself but also the host.

Of course, there's one exception to this social principle, as we often say: "Attend joyous events (weddings) only when invited; attend non-joyous events (funerals) even when not invited."

The most crucial aspect of interpersonal relationships is knowing when to attend which events, and when not to. That's the discretion expected of an adult. Remember, a smart person's strength lies in their intellect. Often, controlling the situation also means understanding the boundaries and limits of interpersonal relationships.

2. Refrain from Arguing:

Different perspectives don't always necessitate debate. Have you ever wondered what it's like to communicate with someone who lacks understanding? Someone answered that communicating with such a person is distinctively tiresome because they want to argue against every word you say.

Their mantra is, "No, that's not it!" You might think they'll bring new insights, but upon closer examination, you realize they're just paraphrasing what you've said or arguing for the sake of it, lacking substantial evidence. 

Some people have "refutational personalities." They share a common trait: no matter how logical your argument, they'll oppose it with a few counterarguments. "No, that's not it!" is their eternal opening line. The most effective way to deal with them is to swiftly end the conversation when they start arguing.

Remember: it's wise to speak less in different positions. With differing understandings, it's best to avoid arguments altogether. Effortlessly restraining the urge to argue ensures a sense of propriety in interpersonal relationships.

3. Moderate Enthusiasm for New Acquaintances:

Instantly revealing your inner thoughts to someone is far from ideal. Innocence is a virtue, but in today's world, it's often mistaken for a lack of decorum. We can express ourselves appropriately, but remember not to overdo it.

One friend had a very outgoing personality and was very warm towards everyone she met. People around her liked her and saw her as a ray of sunshine. However, such relationships didn't last long; it was rumored that she had fallen out with those around her.

The reason lay solely in her talkativeness. She never paid attention to the closeness of relationships while conversing. Whether with strangers or close friends, she would chatter endlessly whenever she met someone. Whether discussing her family's affairs or friends' private matters, she would talk non-stop. Little did she know, such behavior would make listeners feel pressured or insecure. Over time, those around her gradually realized that to avoid becoming the subject of gossip, the best thing to do was to keep their distance from her. Consequently, fewer and fewer people were willing to be her friends.

In social interactions, "oversharing" has always been a major taboo. Sometimes what you perceive as genuine might be viewed as low emotional intelligence by others. Remember, between individuals, there are many topics that can only be discussed with specific individuals. Don't reveal too much too soon just because you feel a connection. And never bare your soul just because you're feeling impulsive.

Smart individuals understand that with new acquaintances, it's fine to talk about the weather, movies, or celebrities. But refrain from discussing yourself or others' private matters.

The art of getting along isn't about instantly becoming bosom buddies. It's about understanding the limits of social interaction, gradually deepening connections, which ultimately fosters better relationships.

4. Avoid Making Decisions for Others:

Have you encountered people like this in your life? They're domineering and always love giving advice to others. It's fine if they're capable. But if their advice isn't genuinely helpful due to their lack of competence, it could hasten the breakdown of relationships.

I once watched a video. A girl went to her best friend's house to vent, complaining about how difficult her job was. She felt like her boss was deliberately making things hard for her, giving her all the dirty and tiring work, but come bonus time, she got nothing. "I don't want to do it anymore. I'm exhausted. I want to quit," she lamented.

Listening to the girl's endless grievances, her best friend joined in the complaining, saying that if things were that bad, she should quit and assured her, "Don't worry, resign. I have a friend whose company is currently short of people; I'll recommend you." The girl perked up at the suggestion, ignoring the specifics of the job her friend recommended, and resigned the next day.

However, the available position didn't match her work experience; the clerical job she was qualified for had already been filled, leaving only a receptionist vacancy. Pressured by next month's rent and credit card bills, she reluctantly accepted the job. Barely two weeks into the job, she went back to her friend to complain, tinged with accusation: "Look at the job you recommended. It's just making tea, handling deliveries every day!" "It's worse than my previous job!"

In a few words, her friend's heart sank, and their once amicable friendship was ruined. One golden rule of social relationships is this: never make decisions for others for free. While you might think, "What's wrong with helping a good friend?" in their eyes, from the moment you utter those words, you're fully responsible for that decision. If your decision doesn't improve their situation, you become the culprit.

Remember, we can never truly empathize with someone else's situation, nor can we feel their current emotions. Making decisions for others without their consent is an overstep. In the end, it's likely to do more harm than good. If it succeeds, the other person might not even remember you; if it fails, you're definitely at fault.

Why bother?

Human interactions inevitably have many passionate moments. But the more passionate the moment, the more critical it is to understand that no matter how much you want to connect with the other person at that moment, you must keep a cool head. This isn't just self-preservation; it's fundamental to how we navigate the world. Of course, after all this discussion, it doesn't mean I'm suggesting you should stop socializing altogether.

"Socializing" is merely a tool. When used effectively, everyone benefits, and you can achieve a lot with a little. So, don't worry about complex rules, and don't fear difficult situations. Although humans are insignificant, they can learn, improve themselves, and grow. The value of humanity lies within itself. Life is a journey, with each step revealing new scenery and insights.

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Unlocking Likability: The Strategy of Indifference

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